“Suicide is Painless” Says the Song, but Suicide Grief Hurts Like Hell

www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/suicideBy Paul Brustowicz

Nothing good comes from a suicide. Except recently when all the talking heads on every television network had special features or stories about suicide when two celebrities completed suicide. That was for two days and then everything went back to normal. Whatever normal is.

The main source for all those “special” reports was The Centers for Disease Control’s monthly newsletter showing that suicides nationwide have increased over 30%. This VitalSigns June bulletin was chock full of statistics, charts and graphs about suicides. It presented suggestions for what government, communities and individuals can do to prevent suicides.

In a nutshell, men are more likely to commit suicide than women and a firearm is the most likely cause of death. Suicide is not limited to people with known mental illness. Factors contributing to suicide include: relationship problems, job/financial problems, substance abuse, and crises situation within two weeks of the event.

Suggestions for preventing suicide include providing financial support, access to health care, creating a safe environment, and teaching coping skills. You can read the full report here: www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/suicide.

After a suicide comes grief and mourning for survivors, which is what this blog is all about. My nephew completed suicide several years ago leaving his family in shock. He had no known mental illness but he was in the midst of a financial/job crisis that was threatening bankruptcy and homelessness for him, his wife and two young children.   When I learned of his death, all those feelings of grief I had when my own son died were brought back.

Suicide Is Painless, the theme song for movie and TV show M*A*S*H, fails to mention that it is not painless for survivors. Surviving moms, dads, wives, husbands and children will be grieving their loss for many months and years.

In “Dispelling the Misconceptions About Suicide and Grief and Mourning” in Living With Loss Magazine, Alan Wolfelt, the well-known authority on grief, explained away a dozen common myths about suicide grief. According to Wolfelt, grieving and mourning are not the same thing, the former is internal, the latter is external. Suicide grief does not morph into complicated grief and neither are there predictable orderly stages of grief. He points out that nobody can ever know the “why” of a suicide and guilt is not a necessary part of the healing process. In regard to suicide being a sin, he quotes a priest who says Christ greets the victim with “Peace be with you”. Tears of grief are a necessary part of healing and a signal to others that comfort is needed. Mourning your loss out loud does not mean you have lost your faith. God has a big and compassionate heart that can take all you throw at Him.

Wolfelt points out that with suicide, as in any death, there are secondary losses like loss of self and loss of meaning. He concludes with a list of realistic expectations for grief and mourning. Here it is:

• You will naturally grieve, but you will probably have to make an effort to mourn.
• Your grief and mourning will involve a wide variety of different thoughts and feelings.
• Your grief and mourning will impact you in all five realms of experience: physical, emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual.
• You need to feel it to heal it.
• Your grief will probably hurt more before it hurts less.
• Your grief will be unpredictable and will not likely progress in an orderly fashion.
• You don’t “get over” grief, you learn to live with it.
• You need other people to help you through your grief.
• You will not always feel this bad.
• Suicide grief is not painless but you can deal with it and you will survive.

With Gratitude and Honor

by J. Veltri, S.J.

Gracious God, on this Memorial Day weekend,
we remember and give thanks
for those who have given their lives
in service of our country.
When the need was greatest,
they stepped forward and did their duty
to defend the freedoms that we enjoy,
and to win the same for others.

O God, you yourself have taught us
that no love is greater than that
which gives itself for another.
These honored dead gave the most precious gif they had,
life itself,
for loved ones and neighbors,
for comrades and country – and for us.

Help us to honor their memory
by caring for the family members
they have left behind,
by ensuring that their wounded comrades
are properly cared for,
by being watchful caretakers of the freedoms
for which they gave their lives,
and by demanding that no other young men and women
follow them to a soldier’s grave
unless the reason is worthy and the cause is just.

Holy One, help us to remember that freedom is not free.
there are times when its cost is, indeed dear.
Never let us forget those who paid so terrible a price
to ensure that freedom would be our legacy.

Though their names may fade with the passing of generations,
may we never forget what they have done,
Help us to be worthy of their sacrifice,

O God, help us to be worthy.

A Mother’s Day Prayer

For the Matriarch

For our matriarch,
A song of strength and hope.

Guardian of generations,
Keeper of traditions,
Hand of guidance and love,
We are blessed by your wisdom and purpose,
Your work to bind us to our heritage,
Your dedication to peace in our homes
And joy in our lives.

You remind us to open our hearts to our brothers and sisters,
Fathers and mothers,
Daughters and sons.
You remind us to honor and cherish cousins of cousins of cousins,
And to live together, in harmony,
By God’s holy word.

God of motherly wisdom and grace,
Bless our family with health
And our matriarch with vision, endurance and hope.
May her devotion inspire us to live by our highest ideals.

Bless our lives with laughter
And our days with purpose,
So that we bring radiance and splendor to our family
And to the world.

Blessed are You, God of our mothers,
Who provides just and righteous women
In every generation.

© 2010 Alden Solovy and tobendlight.com. All rights reserved.

Caution: February 14th is Approaching!

Valentine’s Day, a day to celebrate love and romance. At least that’s what this day has evolved into. The origin of this day isn’t particularly romantic. It’s actually quite tragic.

Valentine was a priest at the time when Emperor Claudius the Cruel was reigning. Under his rule, Rome was involved with many conflicts and the need for soldiers was great. Claudius believed that because potential soldiers had a strong attachment to their families, they were reluctant to join the army. Because of this, Emperor Claudius issued an edict prohibiting all marriages and engagements. He felt that unmarried soldiers fought better because they weren’t worried about their families.

In steps Valentine! He felt the edict was unjust and began to perform marriage ceremonies in secret. Because of this, Valentine met with an awful demise. After being caught performing the secret marriage ceremonies, Valentine was condemned to die by clubbing and then being beheaded. While in prison, awaiting his death, Valentine was jailed with a man named Asterius, who had a daughter that was blind. Asterius asked Valentine to heal his daughter, which he did. Valentine wrote to this woman, and as the story goes, signed these notes “from your Valentine”.

Valentine was put to death on February 14^th on or about 270. In 496 AD, Pope Gelasius declared that February 14th be celebrated as St Valentine’s Day. Over time, this became the date to exchange messages of love.

So how do we incorporate all that love into a day that might just remind us of how much we miss our loved one? Perhaps we need to change our perspective, and look at this day as a special day to remember our deceased loved ones and to celebrate our love for them.

Death does not end our relationship with those that have died. Our physical relationship will be changed forever, but our love doesn’t end when someone dies. This year, try and find a way to remember your loved one. Take time to reminisce and celebrate what once was.

By Maria Farrell, Director, GriefWork: A National Servite Ministry of Compassion

 

A Mantel of Healing

I find myself intrigued by the television shows dealing with adoption and finding family members. I often wonder how many of these reunions end in new relationships being formed. I wish there were follow up shows that would shed light on the journeys taken to establish or re-establish relationships. Some reunions will be healing, some not. Some will be filled with joy, some not.

So what does this have to do with dealing with loss? More than you might think. The other day I was visiting with the woman I commissioned to make a mantel for my fireplace. Her talent is incredible, making beautiful creations from reclaimed wood. I asked how she got started and she replied that her craft became her passion when her daughter placed her grandson for adoption. A decision she feels in her heart was the right decision for her daughter and grandson, but that doesn’t ease the pain of losing all those “grandma” moments she hoped to share with her grandson.

She said the grief her family felt upon learning the decision to place a child for adoption is a grief that many don’t want to acknowledge. With adoption there can be feelings of loss. We tend to focus on the blessings of the adoption and the joy experienced by the adoptive family. But with all of those blessings, there is another family experiencing the opposite reality.

She felt she had no one to turn to for support. Many of her friends didn’t even know her daughter was pregnant, as she lives in another state. When she did approach her friends for understanding and support, they didn’t really acknowledge that she was experiencing a loss. She wasn’t able to see her grandson to hug him and kiss him after his birth. She won’t be able to read stories and rock him to sleep, celebrate birthdays, or first days of school, or give advice…she feels she has lost a lifetime of love and commitment to her grandson.

I mentioned that what she was experiencing was a disenfranchised grief. This type of grief is defined as grief that is not acknowledged or validated by society. Those around us may feel that you shouldn’t be grieving, so you feel like you can’t talk about what you are experiencing. You may start to feel isolated and that your feelings of loss are somehow wrong. She looked me square in the eye and said, “Yes, that’s exactly what I feel! No one wants to acknowledge that I have experienced a loss. They feel that because my grandson didn’t die and has been adopted by a wonderful family, I am not experiencing grief. I’m tired of hiding my grief. That is why I make these beautiful creations. I have an opportunity to create and mold something into a beautiful creation, to see the beauty that comes from something so raw, like my grief.”

As we see families reunite, hopes and dreams may become a reality. For those whose reunions don’t work out, what happens to the loss they will experience? As with so many first steps in helping someone work through their loss, being a good listener is a priority. Be open to listening to their stories. Don’t be afraid of the silence when the story ends. Most importantly, remember that grieving a loss isn’t always due to death, but can be a product of many different life events!

Once the mantle is installed, I know I’ll rub my hands over that beautiful piece of wood brought to new life by this incredibly talented woman. I also know I will say a prayer for her continued healing.

By Maria Farrell, Director, GriefWork: A National Servite Ministry of Compassion

 

Helping a Grieving Child During the Holidays

The holidays can often be a very difficult time for those who have experienced a loss or are anticipating a loss. From an early age, we associate the holidays with family gatherings, fun activities, and traditions that make lasting memories. There’s a “magic” to the holidays that makes everything “merry and bright”.

For children, the holidays can be confusing following the loss of a loved one. They may have difficulty dealing with their own sad feelings,  while experiencing feelings of excitement for the holidays. This can be very confusing. Two very different emotions can be hard for children to cope with. “I know I should be sad that Grandpa died, but I’m really excited for Santa to come.” These conflicting feelings can result in feelings of confusion and guilt.

Adults sometimes struggle with how to help grieving children, and combined with the holidays, this may seem like a daunting task. Below are some simple ways you can support a grieving child, whether it’s the holidays or any other time of the year.

Listen to what they are saying. As with adults, it is very important that grieving children be allowed to talk about whatever it is they wish, whether it’s about the upcoming holiday, the loved one they lost, or how they perceive your grief. Let them know they can talk to you any time about anything. Communication is key to helping children process grief. They need to know they have someone to talk to who cares about what they are going through.

Encourage them to express all feelings. Allow any and all feelings without judging or negating their feelings, or projecting your own feelings onto the child. Children may feel a wide array of emotions during the holidays. Let them know there is no one way or right way to grieve. Let them know it’s okay to be both happy and sad if that is what they are feeling. Validate their feelings. You may also want to try to help them understand what they are feeling and why.

Let them help with the planning. Ask children how they want to celebrate the holiday now that things have changed. Do they want to continue with previous family traditions? Is there something new they would like to do? Is there something they want to continue to do in the future, but may be too difficult to do now?

Flexibility is key. What children want, expect, and feel about the holiday may change from one day to the next. Be patient and go with the flow. One day an activity might seem too difficult to cope with, and the next day the child may feel differently. That’s ok. Everyone deals with grief in their own way.

Have some fun. Grief can be a burden for children. It can impact their everyday lives in so many ways. It is important that, even though they may be grieving, children can continue to be children and have fun. Find ways to encourage laughter and playfulness. Remind children that it is okay to be excited and find joy in the holidays even after a loved one has died.

Navigating the holidays can be very difficult for grieving children. Remember, children are not “little adults”. Their grief expressions may be very different from the expressions of loss by the adults in their lives. Being present to the child during their grief is the best “present” you can give them.

By Maria Farrell, Director of GriefWork: A National Servite Ministry of Compassion bereavement@osms.org

 

 

 

The Gift of a Spiritual Journey through Loss and Grief

November 7th was the 20th anniversary of my sister-in-law Linda’s death.  She was thirty-four years old when she was diagnosed with stage four cancer of the breast.  She and my brother, Denny, had four children.   The youngest at that time was in first grade and the oldest was in fifth grade.

Linda was diagnosis with breast cancer the week before Thanksgiving in 1997.  I was teaching in South Sioux, Nebraska and living in Sioux City, Iowa, so I could help my two brothers care for our mother. 

I don’t know about you, but for me suffering is a mystery that I will never completely understand. However, what my sister-in-law taught me as she lived through the dark times, the challenges, and times of joy living with cancer, has been a powerful gift that I will treasure until the day I die.

At the beginning of this journey, for Linda, God was present in her life but somewhat at a distance.  She was busy being a mom, a nurse and a wife.  God was not, you might say, the center of her life.

After the first year of chemo, it was suggested by Linda’s doctors that she go to Albuquerque, New Mexico for an aggressive form of chemotherapy, similar to a bone marrow transplant.  For three months they made this difficult trip to Albuquerque.

The courage and faith that she and my brother had to have for her to endure the painful and scary effects of this therapy is beyond words.  There were three or four times where we came close to losing her.

Never once, as she lived with all the pain and uncertainty did I ever hear her say, ” Why Me?”  What I did notice was that somewhere along this journey, the Lord had moved closer and closer to Linda’s side.   He had become a friend and a companion for her.  Someone she could rely on.  Near the end of her life, Linda was in the hospital.  Every once in a while, she would talk to my brother and her kids, sharing some of the things she was experiencing as she moved closer and closer to the other side of life, death and rebirth. Her words gave her family much to ponder, along with a sense of hope and consolation.

She wanted my brother to promise her that he would not start smoking again.  Which he did.  She even told her kids that they needed to go to Mass, which if you knew Linda, was not something you would expect to hear from her.  Something had shifted for her.

Linda had lived and fought cancer for eight years.  She was ready to let go and surrender to Someone who she knew she could trust.

At the end of her life Linda told my brother that, “It was so beautiful that she had to go that she couldn’t stay.”  He told her it was okay for her to go.

As I stated earlier, I will never understand the mystery of suffering. Yet, I do believe along with all the pain, grief and loss there is tremendous grace presence for all who find themselves on such a journey, along with their family members.

One of the many gifts Linda gave me was to teach me to live my life to the fullest. Not to get lost in the little stuff.  Linda’s focus was on life, never death.

May we all come to know there is Someone greater at our side, loving us, walking with us and offering us the grace to life our lives to fullest with a heart full of hope until we too, experience the gift of rebirth.  

by Sr. Kerry Larkin, OSM

Children’s Grief Awareness Month

I was out with some friends the other day. They are anticipating the death of a family member and weren’t sure what to tell their children. Conversations about death are not easy, and often, we try to avoid those conversations. As a parent, we want to protect our children from hurt and we may find that we want to believe that children don’t know or aren’t capable of understanding what’s happening when a loved one has died.

As uncomfortable as this conversation can feel, it’s important that we share what has happened with our children, so that they are equipped to handle their grief. Remember, children of all ages experience grief.  

Below are a few tips to help you talk to the children in your life:

*Children need to understand that death is permanent. Terms like “passing away,” “gone to sleep,” or “we lost them” can be confusing for children. They may wonder if death will occur every time someone falls asleep. Although it might feel uncomfortable, don’t back away from using the words die, death and dead.

*If you are anticipating the death of a loved one, you might want to look into resources that can help you have developmentally appropriate conversations with your children, or find books/stories that will help your child understand what is happening. A wonderful resource is The Centering Corporation. You can visit their website at www.centering.org.

*Be patient and really listen without being judgmental. Listen carefully to what the child is asking and make your answer age appropriate. Your answers and level of detail will be different when talking to a 4 year old versus a 15 year old. Answer their questions but remember it’s also okay to say you don’t know. Try to keep the conversations short so they have an opportunity to process what you are saying.

*Let them know that people grieve differently and that there is not only one way to grieve. Talk to them about what they may see as people are grieving.

*Allow the children to grieve. Just as adults show their feelings at the loss of a loved one, we should also allow and expect that children will also go through a grieving process.

No matter your age, experiencing the death of a loved one hurts. Be upfront and honest with your child. Help them find age-appropriate ways to process their grief and express their feelings. Children need adults in their lives to be caring, loving, supportive, willing to listen and answer questions. Be generous with your hugs, kisses, and assurances of your love, and that you will always be by their side when they need you.

by Maria Farrell, Director, GriefWork: A National Servite Ministry of Compassion

 

 

All Saints’ Day Prayer

Dear holy saints of God, we join our prayers of praise to yours this day.

With you, we sing of God’s goodness, rejoice in God’s mercy, and celebrate God’s incredible love.

Teach us to live as you lived – always thinking of others, always recognizing your weaknesses, always rejoicing in God’s gifts, always following Jesus.

Blessed are you, happy are you, all holy saints of God. Pray for us that we, too, may someday be among God’s holy ones.

Amen

Halloween is Coming!

by Maria Farrell, Director of GriefWork: A National Servite Ministry of Compassion

October 31^st holds many memories for us of trick-or-treating and haunted houses. But is there a Catholic origin to Halloween? Absolutely! To find more information about Catholicism and Halloween, all you need to do is google the phrase “Catholic and Halloween”. So many articles have been written on this subject and offer historical accounts of the feast day, information on customs from other countries, why we dress up, and ways to ensure you incorporate the Holy Day into your celebration.

As Catholics, the most important thing we need to remember is that Halloween is the vigil before a very important Holy Day, All Saints Day. On this day we honor the saints in heaven who dedicated their lives to Christ and his Church. And on November 2^nd , All Souls Day, we have the opportunity to pray for and remember the souls of all those that have died. Perhaps this year, you will celebrate with a new understanding of Halloween.

A Prayer for Halloween 

God of laughter and joy,
We turn to you in the way of our ancient ancestors,
grateful for the abundance of food and festivity
that surrounds us at this time of year.

Keep all children safe as they embark upon their Halloween revels.

Light their way through the dark knight
and enfold them in your love.

May the real treat in their lives be grace
that multiples in depth and breadth as
they grow older.

We pray this with all the saints in heaven.

Amen